Happy new year!~

Slacking at home now~
Went to the carpenters today with mum and dad in the morning to choose a wardrobe.



TRUST ME.

WARDROBES ARE TO BE CHOOSEN VERY CAREFULLY.


I am DAMN particular with the way you showcase your clothes.
It has to be orderly, and APPEALING.
YES! APPEALING!

Take pride in dressing up! It is so fun! It is part of art of living man!~

My room is still pretty much in a mess.
Well, i discarded a lot of things~
i am not particularly happy about my mum throwing away my big cushion without telling me.
i am very pissed with mum trying to discard my big mirror which i picked up after they discard it after FOC.
I am very very VERY pissed with my space being invaded. You don't poke ur nose into my space and tell me what i should do please. seriously. it's a definate NO THANK YOU.

So ....ANYWAY!~ Today while chatting iwht chups on the phone~ i located this DOUBLE SPLIT END!!!!!!!!!! AAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There's two splits to this strand of hair. one... then further down, another one!!!
OMG!!! :'( i feel so unhealthy!!!!
I wan a hair cut!!!
:'(

take it easy

have I aged?
Or I am no longer fasicnated by slight signs of interest guys show in me.
hmm, i am still flattered, excited, but to a small extent.
A controllable extent.
I feel flattered and tired.
I am sick of adnormal acts.
I am sick of ambiguity, perhaps because i once gave ambiguity some respect maybe for the sake of love, and it turned out that it did me wrong. Ambiguity. how can one who lives with a clear mind and heart accept it?

I am still greedy.
Greed for being someone exclusive to a total stranger.
but this time round i am consious of such a greed.
So I gotta control it. Kill it.

Jm is like~ going to china tml for half a year.
yea~ across the universe...
=(

Across the universe

Watched across the universe.
People going across the universe, meeting people, knowing people, loving people, losing people, missing people, fighting for people.

I've always known that the world is big, but I, being a arrogant human-being, was never once truly afraid of how vast it is, never once truly impressed by it's size either. Perhaps with modern technology, man can get really arrogant.
You think you can keep in touch with people so well with sms and msn, but one day, you find yourself no longer knowing someone whom you cherish.
I think a plane ride is so convenient, a long distance call is just a skype away, that I am not taken back by my friends leaving me, across the universe, to australia, to china.
I think Time past so fast that it will be alright.
But Now I think again, I am a little afraid.
I am afraid of losing people.
Every morning when my father goes out to work while everyone's either sound asleep or not yet asleep, at 1-2am, I never dare to say good bye to him. There is something in me, which freaks me out. I always say "zai jian" the chinese gd bye.
Nel is leaving for australia, and so wil jac, and so will jiemin be leaving for china for half a year. Everyone's leaving.
They are going across the universe.
Yes, a Skype call away, a msn away, an email away but yes, it is still a far far away land.

So dear friends, please make friends there.


One thing which turns me off in Across the universe is how easily they fell in love.
Haha, was talking to mattina as we left cathay and we had this conversation:

MAT
My friend is getting married! She is same age as me( 21).

Me
huh?!

MAT
Ya! And the thing is, it's actually true love! ( how can this happen?! kinda tone)

ME
WHAT?! oh man...

MAT
Ya! I cannot believe it! So it actually exist. . They had been together for 6 years. So she's saying like, since it's a matter of time, so just get married before he gets to army. cus he's a sign on, so he actually gets into ns later. ya.

ME
But marriage is not pure romance, it is not something which love is enough. No money how to get married.

MAT
YA! exactly. She's someone who will plan de.

ME
Then how come?

MAT
Well... I guess it's true love? ( still cannot register kinda tone)

ME
ah.... ok...


Haiz~ well, we both have a hard time believing in true love will actually come to us. Maybe it is more like we have a hard time believing in the concept of true love. It is like too weird or too romantic a concept that it seems to not hold any sense of security. \

Love... what a overrated word.

100th post

Let me celebrate my 100th post by sharing with you all a very good short film.


short and powerful.



10 MINUTES BY AHMED IMAMOVIC

The result of a break up is close relationship with your class mates, and more time and energy to focus on your work.

As a result, you get more help form your classmates and you spend more time doing work, more than usual.


As a result, your result improve!!!

YAY!!!!!!!! =)
I got 2 As and 4Bs. Which is good enough for me to overload the next sem to clear some AU.
I am so happy! =)


Also as a result, you get closer with your classmates....

As a result, you get to know those whom you did not talk to before.

As a result, I got people to drive me home =)

Maybe One day I'll go get a license and buy a jeep~
Maybe one day I'll buy a shop house and open a cafe at the 1st floor.

CLOSING TIME

I am reorganising my life~ Time to close this chapter and move on.

=CLOSING TIME=

我累了。

真得很累。

IF you use 20 years to do one thing, you may then realise your power, and the meaning of life.

We need to listen to good music.

Like BEYOND's,.

It makes you wanna live your life meaningfully,
Makes you feel strong, makes you wanna fight.

Paul wong ( huang yi zhong) from beyond~ yes~ not a nice eng name but nvm! heheheh~ yea~ he said in one of the interviews , in canto la, but i'll translate " When you use 20 years to do one thing, it can be really amazing."

It is amazing indeed~ to devote 20 years of your short life to do 1 thing.

Film is definately a tough journey.

I guess this is pretty much it.

FILM AND MUSIC.

With this two, I can be really powerful.


I can really live something out of this short short life.

BEYOND

CHECK THIS OUT!~
I LOVE BEYOND.
rocking from the heart kinda feel.

My chemical romance is nice~ but ya, very commercial~ BUT BEYOND IS SO MAN, singing about their dreams , about society, about life, SO MAN!!! and so not MAIN STREAM!!!! So serious and, oh gosh~ awwww...~

The guitarist is like~ breathtaking~ his style~ his seh~ huang guan zhong paul wong. i know not a nice eng name~ but maybe he is here to cleanse that name.

I love him. :D

Had a really hard day yest. Twirling emotions.

Today was also around there.

And it sux to have so much hall stuffs bugging.

I really hate this.

Tml is subject registration~

i am still bugged.

How good if everyone treats each other sincerely?

How good if everyone is that simple.

I am so tired of this world.

I am so tired of all this bullshit.

And i am trapped in this hall marathon kinda rush~
volleyball manager.
Director/ script writer.

I am so sick of all this and I am so sick of hall that I physically felt like puking.
Feel so sick full day.

Was at mattina's place yest night~ her 21 bday~ it was a very low profile thing.
We just went to her place after hanging out at global sound cafe to chill and drink and play charade and talk cork~
KL drove me to potong pasir mrt station and i assured him i'm fine~ just then~ i realised that the mrt station is not open yet.
I walked all the way to another street and waited for hal an hour plus for 65. then took to kaki bukit to change to 25 and walked back home from bedok interchange then~ was at mrt at 5.30~ reached hoe at 7 plus.
I felt great~ like~ so independent and the chilling fresh air froze me. I used to hate it. I will always bring a jacket or shawl to keep myself away from the cold. i hate to be cold.
But now I sort of like it. It keeps me awake, alive even. keeps me strong.

slept for 3 hrs and dad woke me up so rudely by taking away my blanket. cus we needa rush as bro was meeting someone in hall at 11 and it was 10 pls, it is shifting day, out of hall i meant. I was awaken by the cold. I hate it. yes, maybe i do hate it but i just figured it out that it may be gd for me. And so it was a lot a lot of hard work shifting and packing till now. 11 plkus~ i had a short nap but yar~ i hate it when mum keeps nagging at high vol and loop it. And while packing, i found so many traces he let behind. the note he left me in the mike he bought me. His shoes. The guitar picks. the electric guitar. fuck.
" We hold on to each other yea? let's pull each other along the way and compromise. " and blablabla.
How good. I hate the fact that i still can't bring myself to totally register this fucking fact that he did all those selfish things to me, totally abandoning all his promises and all his words. I hate the fucking fact that I still love him so damn much. I hate the long one year plus we sticked by each other and was so heavily involved in each others life. He grew on me and we were so simply in love, why must everything turn out so satanically disguisting. why must he choose this ending? I'm sure he loved me. Why must he decide to take another route suddenly and why is he capable of doing so? and I am now stuck in this pile of hall shit


I feel like puking full day man. Maybe I am sick, I feel the whole world spinning and I dun like this.
I wan a world where everyone treats each other sincerely.
like me and my frens, me and my family.
She shd go and die. and she really should steer clear from my tail. Business, yea right~ fuck off.

MY NEXT FILM: untitled for the moment

你可能玩过一个心理测验。[ shows the word 日]
如果叫你在“日”字加一画，你会怎么加？
[permutating at fast speed all the characters possible, stop at 由]
我选“由”。
是最善的人。
[permutates at fast speed again, stops at 甲]
他选“甲”。
是最狠的人。

当时我就应该知道，他会伤害我。[ animated jia spiting heart shape with skull in it towards you, poof ~ whole screen fades thru white to lift scene]


[walks out of lift, talking to friend, looks forward, pans to her view, the girl panicing and looking at her. FV She walks forward, spot something. POV him sneaking off. FV her walking towards her.FV her walking towards her, opens mouth. pause]
几个小时前，我看见他们在一起。
他回避我。

[plays]
“你跟他在一起？”
“er…er…还没有啦。”
“don’t worry. 不管我的事。”

[Pause] 这样走开很潇洒，很帅气。可是我的心中涌起了一股不满。这股不满，来自那瞬间的回忆道带。

[rewind]



就从这里开始吧。你一开始不接我的电话，不回我的简讯的时候。
一开始我气。[sms and call , crossed]
然后 我很气。[sms furiously, call furiously]
然后，我慌。[call furiously, panic]
于是，我等。[sit outside his room, people pass by, talk to people, stand up call, look downstairs, pacing up and down, sit down. fades to black.]

“oei. 起来了。”
POV open eyes see him. He frowns, opens the door, and walk in.
他说他需要时间考虑是否应该继续这段感情。
这段时间别找他。别联络他。当他有决定的时候，他会告诉我。

我慌。
我问他
“为什么？”x4 [diff poses]
他回
“没有什么为什么。”
“你先回去。”x3 [ diff poses]
Ms me out of room at the door, light from the door cuts off as he closes the door.

我哭。[ in bed]
我哭。[in front of laptop.]
我哭。[on bus]
我哭。[toilet cubicle]
我哭。[lecture]

［哭着说］one fillet o fish meal
＂ｕｐｓｉｚｅ？＂
No
ｍｅｍｂｅｒ？
Yes.　［ｔａｋｅｓ　ｏｕｔ　ｃａｒｄ，　ｔａｐ］
＂ｅｒ．．．　ａ　ｍｏｍｅｎｔ　ｍｄｍ．＂
＂ｍｄｍ，ｙｏｕｒ　ｍｅａｌ．　＄４．７０　ｐｌｅａｓｅ．＂
［ｈａｎｄｓｏｖｅｒ　ｔｈｅ　ｍｏｎｅｙ．ｗａｌｋｓ　ｏｆｆ　］

＂ｍｄｍｙｏｕｒ　ｃｈａｎｇｅ！　ｍｄｍ！＂
［ｗａｌｋｓｂａｃｋ．ｔａｋｅｓ　ｃｈａｎｇｅ．　ｗａｌｋｓ　ｏｆｆ］

就是这样。哪里都哭。做什么都哭。
没课的日子。我躲在房间哭。ｓｍｓ你。ｓｍｓ你。ｓｍｓ你。
去你哪儿找你，你不在，听说跟她出门了。
回房。ｓｍｓ你。ｓｍｓ你。ｓｍｓ你。ｓｍｓ你。ｓｍｓ你。
去你哪儿找你。你生气。把我赶出门。
回房。我躲在房间哭。ｓｍｓ你。ｓｍｓ你。ｓｍｓ你。
第二天早上起身，看手机，没有你的回复。
我躲回被单里。哭啊哭。就这样哭到傍晚，梳洗一下，去上课。
朋友问我　［shows kl］　“哇！为什么你的眼睛呢么肿？！”　［ｐａｕｓｅ］
我回　［ｍｅ］“我睡了整天。”　［ｓｍｉｌｅｓ　ｙａｗｎ］
［kl］“哇！你这只猪。”

猪也好。人也好。我不能让朋友知道我天天哭。如果妈妈，朋友们，全知道他这样对我，那岂不是给他判了死刑。应此，在这段时间内，对电话那头的妈妈来说，

“你伤风啊？”
“对咯。每天在ｅｄｉｔｉｎｇ　ｌａｂ．冷到要死。”

对朋友们来说，我是只伤风的

［ｋｌ］“猪！”


一个晚上，妈妈问我上风好了吗？我告诉她事实。我第一次让她听到我哭。[cry]

她叫我立刻回家。我叫了德士。[ cab drive off]
回家去。他知道。那晚，他第一次ＳＭＳ我。也是第一次打电话给我。说以后不会再赶我出门了。



第二天，我回去，见到他。才发现他还没决定要不要继续这段感情。

我那伤风的日子没了断。我不能这样过。

几天后，我比他给我答案，要分手还是继续。

我打电话给他。如果不接，就是要分手。
他没接。

几天后，发现他跟她在一起了。

想起那时我觉得他们之间比我们之间还亲近，对他说过：
“你不要跟她那么亲近。每晚跟她在楼下读书，我可以去吗？”

他说我不可理喻。生气地走了。

伤风的日子里我总是自责，为什么自己那么过分，让你压力大的要放弃这段感情。

但发现你们在一起的时候，我突然想起坤垒：
“你这只猪！”



我的伤风渐渐复原了。
因为天天都在ｅｄｉｔｉｎｇ　ｌａｂ里忙。又有一群好朋友吵吵闹闹的，把“伤风”的细菌占时吓跑。［friends in adm advertisement style］

就在这个时候，你又回来了。这个时候， 你又回来了。他在我家楼下待了两晚。
FV him,
“I realize you are the person I love. I can only love you! Please….Believe me la. She is nothing, I will tell her,. I can’t tell her now. I will tell her soon! I can only love you and I only loved you all along. She was just a mistake. I promise, I will treat you so many so many times better than before! Trust me please…come back to me. ” [CU cries]

他哭得好惨。

[ms him]
[ms me cry]
“It’s won’t work out.” ( it will, I will make it work.)
“You will get tired of it and give up.” ( no I won’t.)
“yes you will.” ( no I won’t)
“Yes you will.” ( no I won’t)
“Yes you will.” (no I won’t)
[suddenly hugs him]
[ms me hugging him, him crying in my arms]
(thank you… thank you…)


电话和简讯回来了。
但是很快，又不见了。

“ I love you. But我们是不可能的。我看着你我的愧疚感太强了。I know I hurt you again. Sorry lah. 我现在不可能去见你的。你哭再多也没有用。There’s nothing I can do. Sorry lor. I think I am not ready for relationship yet la.”

[rewinds]


[back to cathay]


“你跟他在一起？”
“er…er…还没有啦。”
“don’t worry. 不管我的事。”

[ walks away, stop, turns back]

“Maybe I should go say hi.”

[follow into the cd shop. Taps his shoulder. He turns around. Slap. Walk away.]


[Walking out. “好了。走吧。”　Discussion of where to go, I look on the floor. CU on eyes, tearing]

看到这里，就算我真的是坤垒口中的猪，也应该知道这个人不值得我为他掉眼泪。
［walks out of cathay building and towards PS］
我不是猪。
也不是一个笨女人。
我只是一个很用心，很执著于爱一个人的女人。


我快步走在路上。

冷风逆着我，刮得好大

无袖上衣。迷你裙。

暴力地颤抖着的身体。

飙着热泪的眼睛。

感觉身体的每一个细胞都激动地站了起来，准备要很勇敢。

我突然有一股冲动。

要成为一个很坚强的人。

要过得很好很好。