I never thought I can sing.
I knew i can write songs, i knew i can playvolleyball, I knew i can write stories, i knew i am creative. But I swear i never thought i can sing.
But they made me believe that. so i was convinced that i can sing. But ultimately, i still feel that i cannot sing. I am not a good singer. Ironically, i am the vocalist of a jam band. A mismatch. A mistake.

I wanna quit VERY badly.
one song two song maybe still can correct it. But if i sing off tune everysong then i dun see how the situation can be improved. And the worse part is that i dun really sense it. This means that I'm not meant to sing.

issue not on inconfidence.

Aladdin

If you can't have a good grip, try harder.
affected? try even harder!
still cannot? then let loose...

there's nothing to hold on to~ or rather, there's nothing you can hold on to. so let it be.

It is so hard to let go of things. things you care for.
That's always a tricky and painful situation almost everyone faces. If you can't be strong and brave enuff to face the damn fact that there's nothing you can do to improve the situation ( which truly sux), then you'll be trapped in that cycle of getting more and more affected, feeling desperate,and getting deeper and deeper into tat shit.

It's so so so hard to let go...
I've experienced it and i see a tonn of ppl experiencing it now.


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One day, Aladdin, who now has his princess and a nice comfy palace, was strolling in the park~ then, he smelled something alluring~ He followed the path of the sccent and he walked deeper and deeper into the woods, the smell got stronger and stronger. Finally he arrived at a cave which is like the cave he encountered b4. There is a slight opening below, so he took a peek~ His eyes was almost blinded by the golden glare as strong as that from the sun!~ He placed his nose at the opening and took a good hard sniff. He was almost drunk by the heavenly smell of food. He never smelt something as nice as this even in his royal palace!~

Aladdin was delighted upon this discovery.
He took a step back, cleared his throat, and shouted " OPEN SEASAME!!!" the door did not move a single inch. he started to try all sorts of words, and by night time, he had exhausted his vocab bank and done almost all permutation around words. he stared at opening.... and he stared... and he desired.....

He started to slip his fingers through the opening and started to lift the heavy stone door up. He pushed with all his might~ and the door moved an inch! He got so excited! He bent down and peep in again~ got blinded by the golden glare again. And he placed his nose there and took a hard long sniff again. AH!~ the heavenly smell is getting even stronger~ He was overwhelmed with excitement. He puled harder and harder, and the door did not move. He grabbed harder and pulled with all his might. but sstill, it did not move at all. His hands rubbed against the rough surface of the stone door and started to bleed. But he din care~ he grabbed even harder and pulled with all his strength!~ yet.. the door remained motionless. His hands bleed furiously, and the ccut was getting deeper, reaching out for his bone. He was in great pain. But he did not look at his wound. He din wanna acknowledge that. He tried again. And his blood, by then, drench all his beautiful royal clothing. He was hungry, sticky and dirty in sweat, and in great pain.
He suddenly remember that he had brought the lamp along with him. " AH! STUPID ME!"
He hurried and rubbed the lamp. Genie appeared.
" At your service master! What can i do for you?"
"Open this door!"
Genie glanced at the door. Took a peep at the opening and took a good hard sniff.

"I can't"
" WHAT?!"
" this cave is governed by a even stronger genie, and the spell is too strong, the door can only be opened upon hearing the destinated password."
" damn it!"

Aladdin was furious, he ran back to the opening, place his fingers below again~ and started to pull again. The cut harshly ate deeper into his flesh and reached his bones. He bled crazily and was in insane pain.

" master, don'tdo this to yourself! You know it's getting you no where. Why not you go back to the palace and get your wound treated. then write down a long list of words and come back to try another day?"

" NO! I can never leave now! What if someone else comes over and gets the treasure and when I come again, the cave is reaped clean?! "

" but there is no way the door will be opened this way either!"

Aladdin ignored Genie's words and continued. Desperation soon drove him to tears. He had no strength left to move at all. Genie took himon his back and flew him back to palace. All his servants was terrified! They quickly got him cleaned up with a fragrant petal bath~ and gave him a good scrub, then treated his wound. By then, He smelt of his favoourite flower, jasmine. The servants filled the long long dining table with Aladdin's favourite food, curry chicken, apple pie, abalone with mushroom, filet-o-fish burger, pizzas, D24 durian cake, and more. They fed him but he was expressionless. they got worried and asked him " My majesty, is there any problem with the taste of the food today?" " just leave me alone." The servants left. These delicacies which was once his favourite can no longer applease him.

Jasmine was giving him a backrub on bed and she asked him
"My dear, you once told me, you got all the things that you need to be happy. Why does it not seem so since your return?"
" leave me alone..."
Aladdin pushed jasmine's hands away and turned away from her, lay at the edge of bed.
Jasmine stared at him, and tears rushed to her eyes.

For the whole of next week, aladdin stayed in his bed, refusing any food and water, and he just laid there.
By the end of a week, he woke up in great hunger and thirst. The servants took a table of delicacies to his bed as usual but this time round, aladdin reached out for the servant and said, "serve me.."
the servant was hsocked and delighted. He quickly helped aladdin up and fed him the delicacies.
He rediscovered how delicious the d24 durain cake is, and he felt the smoothness of the abalone linger on his tongue. He felt happy. He freshened up and when jasmine came into the room, he apologised.
" I got all that i need to have to be happy, what happened to me?"
" Just remember this from now on my dear, you got enough to make you happy. Then you will be able to let go of other things easily"
And so, they continued to livehappily ever after~

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Make do with what you have and lead a happy life. Everyone have enough to be happy. It's just how you live it.
Don't let new desires overwhelm you, keep them controlled and always return back to your happy life now and then while pursuing new desires. If you can't get it, try harder, then let go.

I love my headphone~ it's growing to be part of me~

I want my dig cam back~ cus it's also very much part of me. love it to bits and pieces!~

I still like my hp pouch which is my purse~part of me now too.

Love the bag i bought from taiwan~ the hysterical glamour. still using it a lot.

I love my guitar~

I love my laptop!!!

I love the piece of jade I'm wearing which was initially a gift to nainai and then she passes it back to me. Now that she's gone~ it's like a connection between me and her. part of me~

I want to buy a pair of earrings which i will always wear. I wanna buy a gd nose stud which the diamonate will not fall out so that i wun hafta the nose stud over and over again. I wanna buy a gd mp3 player which functions without lag. i wanna buy a pair of shoes~ ladies shoes~ which i can wear out all the time~.

I wanna be a independant girl. I wanna kick all the inertia in me and spend every second of my life wisely. I wanna be more organised. I wanna work out more and shed all the fats i added since i enter uni. I wanna devote more time and attention to sch work. I wanna write more songs and limprove guitar skills, pick up drums well. I wanna be in full control of my life. I wanna go on holidays with my family. I wanna save more and travel to some country with 4bb and the chicken. I wanna take my relationship easy and let things go on slow and steady, and hopefully we can work everything that may arise in future calmly and frankly together and get rooted in each other's live comfortably.

I know i am a lucky girl. I observed it~ i always slip but never falls. I always take risks and seldom kena anything bad. Maybe it's cus I'm op that's why i think so, but who cares? i just FEEL that I'm lucky~ that's what that matters.

I am thankful that i am talented in music~ i am able to write nice songs~ I am able to sing them decently. I met this bunch of ppl with similar passion and help me present my music beautifully~ and it becomes our music. We get gigs and we perform~ feel the music from my voice~ their guitars~ his drum~ all come together and produce this chemistry and feel our music make it's way into ears of our audiences, and feel them feel our music, and hear the claps and cheers. Not everyone is lucky enuff to get the chance to experience this. Like i said, i am freaking lucky.

I am thankful that i am creative, that's like the best part of me. And my humour, how can i live the life i'm living without it?

I have great friends. I am still meeting great ppl and making nice frens.

I have a great family~ always there for me. they made home a entertaining and lively place. Not everyone is as lucky. Phew~ lucky lucky...~

Is there a god? shd i still pursue this question? I don't know... it's getting tiring... feels like i will never be able to find the answer. Shd i be passive and wait for the answer to come knocking at my doorstep? I can lead a happy life that way~ but i am not quite someone who leaves questions hanging. This bothers me at times. Today discussed with yux jasm chup and zhip over dessert. We all believe that there's ghosts, or spirits~ whatever you call them~ and i believe too~ there's a satan. If so~ there must be a god. YES. There must be. How can it be that he doesn't exisit if the other exist? I am not so comfortable with saying out the latter. I suddenly misses my granny~ haiz...~ why is the bible true? i wanna know. i hope there's something which can help me believe in it. then opens the passage for me to reach this god. Then i fear nothing. then~ i know i am watched over. I know quite clearly it wun be zhiren who will be the one who will eventually enlighten me, so i am not pinning hope there~ if this convinient way out is blocked~ then i gotta find other ways. I'm not doing this for him. I had been pursueing the ans to the question of god since jc. I was eventually tired out after the taxing search with no result and gave up. Now that i am recharged, perhaps i can start the search again. perhaps i wanna find god so eagerly becus i feel how blessed i am, or rather i know how blessed i am. and i wanna thank him if he exisit. i am dying to do so.

I shall pursue the answer. I shall find him. at least try to...

we will be performing at nus on next monday and tuesday~ total they shd be paying us 15o bucks~ so each get 30buckz~ hmm~ normally we wun receive money so not bad lah~ now play two days a bit xiong~ but our band will never reject a stage, unless the stage will distort our music~ we will be getting very good instruments and a soundman~ so we see no reason to say no. very good experience~

So I'll hafta take cab back to ntu after it for my spanish lesson~ that's the sian part~ haiz~

I slept ALL the way till 3pm today~ hohoho!~ shuang dao!!!~ haha!~ i wun had waken up if zr din knock the door so hard~ so imagine....~ if i just woke up now~ haha~ i had been sleeping like 3hrs for the past few insane days which i was like constantly working hard while i awake~ so i know i deserve this long long sleep~ quite shuang~ wake up brush teeth then eat lunch which he ta bao-ed for me~ so i din hafta step out of room~ shuang sial~ hehe~ then play guitar~ copy lyrics~ then revise and make notes for spanish~ quite gd with my numbers now~ hehe!~ then went makan and jamming till now~ i think i shall go bath and go over to zr's place now to draw hi and draw his arms~(foundation drawing's assignment) then play a round of dota then start on my 2d work~ wah~ where got enuff time sial~ hmm~ then i shall forsake the 2d part~ hahahahha ~ oh yar~ tml going to nel's place~ yawnz~ buaiz!~ take care ppl~!~=)

I like to play the drums. It's a instrument which is very expressive, despite the lack of variation in notes. rhythm with gesture and punch, flow passion flow.

So far so good~ everything turning out quite fine. next tuesday we will be performing at nus open house. we are paid peanuts. But the main thing here is actually that we are PAID. do you have any idea what that means to me? Earning money for playing music. we will be performing my song too. "running home". A melody i composed. Lyrics i wrote. My creation. Proud, yea i am. Glad i rather say.

Spanish lesson is getting tough~ too tough~ i gotta buck up and do more revision~ and practice more.
Got quite a lot of drawing to do tml~ haiz~ sian~

I am feeling so sleepy....tired....soo sooooo tired.....
Time to bath~ Retiring. take care~

I like haw ball.
I was sick.
I am sick.
I hate to be sick.

Now, all i long for is a throat that does not feel itch and a nose which allows me to breath freely.
I wan a healthy body. Sometimes i feel reALLY sick and tired of being sick. haiz~... I shall eat porridge every night from tonight onwards. i wan my health back!~

School reopened and things had been going quite on track.
I made it to all the lessons on time and if not, early.
School load haven't really come in.
Attended my first spanish lesson today~ haha~ not bad. I love learning bout their culture and all. do you know why ecuadar is called ecuader? It's cus it's lying on the equator of earth. Spanish is the world's top 3 most commonly spoken language. I'm sure it's gonna be really handy.

When doing my drawing, when doing designs, I can feel myself trapped in a certaion formula~ there's this inner restriction. I think if i break through it, i will be awake fully all the time. I will be able to feel myself truly alive. I wanna be liberated. And i think one day i will. I am going to get really serious in art this sem. So far so good. I had been preparing for lessons quite ahead. A good start of sem, keep it up. And music. My love for music is a bit shaken as i was distracted by other stuffs. Actually it shuden be called my love for music. it's more like my relationship with music. I havent been spending enuff time with it. Haven't improve my guitar skills. But i'm picking up drums. so far so gd.

i gotta go for sing and strum meeting now. a bit emo now, gd time to blog but too bad~ gotta run~ bye!~ frenz, take caRE~