今天

今天我发现有个女生经常在他的房间单独两人读书。
今天我发现那女生经常在他那儿睡午觉。他的房间变了。
多了一台我老早就催他带来宿舍的大电视。
地板上铺着一个睡单。她昨晚在这里睡吗？
她出现了。
她正准备来这里睡吗？
我的心好痛。
我很想哭。
今天我发现，我还受他影响。

我很辛苦。我很难过。我需要人陪。哥哥没有空。
我打电话给启迪。坤垒。我到editing room 去。
那里很热闹。全都是熟悉的脸孔。
我很开心。
Thom 看了我的作品，说很棒。
我很开心。很充实。

有个班上的男生告诉我：“可欣，你今天有漂亮的感觉。”
“什么漂亮的感觉？！ 为什么不是漂亮？！”
“ya lah. 很feminine.很美这样咯。”

MUAHAHAHAHA!!!
是开心到。。。。！！！~



唱了自己写的歌。大家都说我超有才华。
MUAHAHHAHAHA!!!!!
真的是爽到。。。。。！！！~


朋友烘了蛋糕。带了一份给我。包得美美的给我。
天啊！超好吃的 CHEESE CAKE !!!!

EDIT 好了我的片子。在凌晨一点，在热闹的　EDITINGＲＯＯＭ　里弹ＧＵＩＴＡＲ．
两点多，下着雨，搭着同学的车回到房里。




我是开心的。


＝）

ZERO
billy corgan
� 1995 cinderful music/chrysalis songs (bmi)

my reflection, dirty mirror
there's no connection to myself
i'm your lover, i'm your zero
i'm the face in your dreams of glass
so save your prayers
for when you're really gonna need 'em
throw out your cares and fly
wanna go for a ride?

she's the one for me
she's all i really need
cause she's the one for me
emptiness is loneliness, and loneliness is cleanliness
and cleanliness is godliness, and god is empty just like me
intoxicated with the madness, i'm in love with my sadness
bulls*** fakers, enchanted kingdoms
the fashion victims chew their charcoal teeth
i never let on, that i was on a sinking ship
i never let on that i was down
you blame yourself, for what you can't ignore
you blame yourself for wanting more
she's the one for me
she's all i really need
she's the one for me
she's my one and only




-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------





MAN~ i love the crude parts.


"my reflection, dirty mirror
there's no connection to myself"

"emptiness is loneliness, and loneliness is cleanliness
and cleanliness is godliness, and god is empty just like me"

"intoxicated with the madness, i'm in love with my sadness"



A bit dark~ but it's still punchy~ i like~
heehee

After the break up~ i met up with spatts and spilled things out.
It is really tough telling all these to them.
And it was hell keeping all to myself.

It is difficult doing this.
I feel lonely. not because I don't have anything, but because i felt the absense of something.
I hate free time.

had been chatting online a lot with this classmate who truly stimulates my brain cells. We talk about life. About human. About ethics, about this world. About this life. Helps me get in touch with the world i am living in. Really would love to go traveling in Cambodia with him and a few other people whom i dunno. abit taken back by going with these group of bu shou people, but that's the idea~. It will be quite spiritual i believe. but i dun think possible~ it's just a 1 month holi. I going on holi with my family about 3 days? then i have the hall production to take care of. i dun mind going for a week of two man. but it's just too impossible with this hall production thingy tangling. maybe i'll wait till next 3months holi then. see if i am still as adventurous.haha.

I am still tired.
I should catch one more hour of sleep.
then it'll be 3~ i can set off then~ bye

Am I too uptight?
Am I too serious?
???
I think i am.

I should try to relax and take things easy.
I seriously suspect it to be a family thing.

Nainai is ALWAYS SOOOOOOOOOO GAN CHEONG!
Forcing you to gulp down the half-boiled eggs at one go (cause I love to eat it scoop by scoop).

Mother is so uptight too. She will rush the whole family like mad before we set off.

My younger brother is a chill~ kinda dude~. I think i took his share.

My elder brother? hmm... too organised for chances to reveal any gan cheong-ness. lolx.


Things DOES run in the blood. so interesting. it's things like this that keeps us human, and make things in this world less replacable.

I sort of decided to shift home.
At 10pm Monday night, I took a cab home after talking to mum.
I haven't been having a great week.
I had been wetting my pillows everyday.

I need to go home, where I am doted and cared for extensively, so that I can find strength to carry on smiling.

I am really lucky to have such a caring family.

Really really lucky.

=)

I am watching Hua Jing Nian Hua to destress, you know, tml is my shoot.
i feel so inprepared. I feel so scared, so inconfident.
Feel so insecured!!!
Wanted to go shopping at dhoby ghaut with jesscia and amin,but felt so guilty~
I should be stressed up and busy arranging things for tml's shoot and NOT shopping. but I really cannot think of things to touch up!~

Something must had been missed....
BOOHOO!!!!! =(

I think I won't be able to sleep tonight....
PANIC!!!


But anyway! back to the hua jing nian hua~ GOSH!
i realise their band is SO DAMN pro lah!~ super steady~ and the solo damn got punch~ (> x <) Sweats.... lihai de lao ren....

This teaches us one thing~ never to underestimate people. We had been cracking jokes about huang jing nian hua during band practice, never knew who we are messing with. tsktsktsk...

These few days had been hell...
Report and essay due, quiz held. Project discussion, Shoot preparation, desperately grabbing for actors. tsktsktsk

Since the times I belong to the playground, i never liked hide-and-seek.
I HATE it.

Right now I am playing hide and seek everyday.
Hidden from his church, his parents in singapore, his friends, even his study group.
Seeking him through handphone calls and messages which he seldom replies.
Maybe we should face it. If you wanna hide me, I am just so not going to stay with you. I belong to open air. I belong to sunshine. I belong to happiness and laughter. I don't belong to your life. I fit no where in there. We are busy, but at least I try to make time to be together and you don't even bother. Seems like there's nothing much to be said. When I am left with nothing to hold on, I will leave you. And right now, you are reaping off everything I can possibly hold on to. I am insecured, I am in the dark, I am unloved, I am uncared for, I am ignored, I am forgotten, I am rejected. We are distanting. Is this your plan? To help me get over the hard part of leaving you and then show me how much I should leave you? Being together with you was a mistake. A mistake which made me grow stronger and tougher. you are such a jerk, wasting all my time and youth and tears. I wish I never met you.

I think my luck lady is back.

I am allowed to shoot my film this weekend.

My script module prof came to talk to me during the shoot on sat/sun that my story was impressive.

The professor of my film module , you remember, the one I emailed her to demand for shoot.
I asked her if she received my email. She said yes, but she couldn't access the script. Could only view another file i attached, that is, the story. She says it's great and amazing. Ask me if I want to shoot on the coming weekend and what I need.

I am sOOO not used to hearing such stuff from her.

I am so damn not used.

But it's fine, I'll take it.



“Every Monday to Friday, 1pm”

This story is about the change of a boy’s attitude towards every Monday to Friday, 1pm, when his grandmother awaits him at his school gate.

Every Monday to Friday at 1pm, Boy’s grandmother will wait patiently at the gate of his school for boy. To boy, it is the moment of shame every Monday to Friday at 1pm. His grandmother always wait there in her wheelchair, with a big bag of empty cans and a bag of tissue packs, and she tries to sell the students tissue packs. Boy feels terribly embarrassed by her, and will always wait in an empty classroom for the schoolmates to empty the school, so as to avoid being seen with his grandmother.

One day, he chanced upon a screwdriver, and that was when his mischief set in. He loosened the screws of the wheelchair while his grandmother is showering. He thought that this is a perfect plan to keep her from going to his school. But he very soon regretted when he finds his grandmother fallen and injured at home. Other than feeling guilty, he was surprised to find himself missing the presence of his grandmother. He dig for the screwdriver and fixed up the wheelchair.

One day at 1pm, he is no longer feeling shame, but instead feeling please to see that his grandmother had recovered and is back at the gate, waiting for him.





Now the problem is, I need to find a wheelchaired old lady!!! and a little boy, my boy flew me aeroplane, that is, turned me down now. fine. I hope weimin's niece can make it. but it's not very positive for now. I'll try asking my aunt to act for me, she's in her 60s but always looks so modern... I think I'll just try to olden her if she can make it. Well, she haven't fully recover from her previous stroke and memory is not serving her right. but she's fine. I'll see if her family is comfortable with that.

1 report due tml.
1 essay and 2 quiz on thursday.
Actors to be found.
Props and lighting map and camera movement plan to be finalised.

i am a happy busy lady now. =)

Oh god, what had I been doing?

I just emailed my prof to demand for my short film to be shot.
The reason to why i ended up so pathetic and crying all day is because I chose to take up the role of the victim, the powerless.
As long as you feel that you are right, don't bend your knees like I did. She won because she was stubborn like an ox.
She won because she shouted louder than me.
She won because I cried.
She won because she continue to shout when I cry.

but this is not going to continue.


Dear Wenshing,

The attached is my script and treatment which i just sent to jaymz.
Please take a look when you see this email, as this will ensure that we get a fair chance to experience making our own film.
It is important for us to have this experience.
Yes being the art director of Amin's film is exciting and challenging too. But all other coursemates are having this experience as a art director or DP too. I feel that we shouldn't be depreived of this experience. Shouldn't we be given equal chance to explore and experience and to see our own baby on the big screen no matter how ugly it turns out to be? Fair chance to succeed or to fail and climb up again as a better person? It is unfair to me if I am to be judged as ready or not to make a film just by looking at the script, which is under the script-writing module and not the digital film-making module. I think a fair judgement of my readiness to make my film should come after seeing my film.

I need your guidiance, I really do.
But other than guidiance, I believe that it is also important to learn through our own experience. The two should go hand in hand, both as important. I hope that you can let me embark on my own journey as a film maker and guide me along.

Regards,
Kexin

I am going to fight back.
why did i have to go to another professor who is of higher authority, to get him to help me try to talk wen-shing out?
This is my journey to being a film-maker.
This is my business.
i can deal with this.
If it doesn't work, i will find the dean.
If it still doesn't work, then it is getting plain too ridiculous.
I will find the papers.


this had been going way to ridiculous.
This has to stop.
If i dun start defending myself now at the age of 20, I am going to be so fo rthe rest of my life.

this all came to me when i suddenly recall this part of my memory, when i was P5. A super fierce teacher accused me of talking during assembly. The bitch beside me told the teacher as well that i talked to her. I am so fucking agitated. I cried. But I stood damn firmly that I did not talk and that i am wrongly accused. my teacher was damn shocked. And she ask me then why that stupid teacher said that I talked. I cont with my repeatative" I nv talk!" dialouge. She asked me if i wanna go find that teacher to ask her why she accuse me of talking then. i said yes. And i really did. She was damn shocked i swear. She was taken back. i cried in front of two classes but i wasn't afraid. i was proud.

What happened to me? Where is my guts? At least it's back now. And I hope it stays for good. Dear friends, be strong.

Karene

My leg aches from the sunday run.

Here's my new story for my 5min short film.

Karene is mugging overnight again.
She is down with fever. She finished her water, hence, ate her pills with coffee instead. Coffee ran out as well. She grabs a can of coke from her fridge and starts gulping. She felt a sharp pain within her and hence made her way to the toilet.
However, as she opens the door, she enters a garden!
She felt no pain and she is now in a beautiful red dress, all freshened up. She saw two kids waiting for her, with a red balloon linked to an empty coke can and a flower. Both items had the note " For Serene " written on it. They handed both items to her and she enters her world of eutopia where everything is perfect. She is well-loved by everyone she sees and suddenly it is all about enjoying life.
She hears beeping sound, getting louder and louder.
people starts disappearing and as the camera close up to her eyes, it dissolves through white and you see a blurred vision of a doctor. you see her on bed in a hospital with the heartbeat machine going beep, beep.
She looks around. She smiles.


Sometimes i really hope this can happen to me.
you know, at times when you feel so bloody stressed up by fucked up people who keeps pissing you off and making you feel worthless?
you keep pushing yourself, pushing and pushing, cause you have to meet deadlines. cause you have to do a good job. cause you have to please your professors and get good grades. At one point, you hope you can just collapse. hope you wake up in the hospital saying you are unfit for all these stress and you should quit school. Then you quit school and lead a simple life, earning less. You may say " wah, you don't have to wait for that. you can just quit school if you want right now!"
Yes....and No.
Uni means degree, means incresing the probability of making good money, means cleverer, means more superior, more high-class.
This is too tempting a package.
You can't just give it up like this. not with a strongly programmed weak mind like mine.
End of the day, it may not worth all this shit. But at least you took the "safe route".
All my life I am taking the safe route. I haven't start living. I am studying, which will get me "somewhere".

Sometimes i wonder if life is really such a highly skill and knowledge intensive industry.
I wonder if life is really so taxing.
Or can it, like what is belived in a small naive and inconfident part of my brain and heart, be simple?

Film is like a snapping shark. Snapping furiously behind me. If i stop running, I will be flat dead. I don't have time to think. Of maybe I have. But I don't have time to really decide for myself what i should feel towards the way I am leading my life and evaluate myself thoroughly. I am chased by deadlines and commitments. I can't hide. They WILL track me down faster then I can imagine. Well I tried a little.


Actually i think right now the most important thing and of upmost priority is to adjust my mindset and attitude so that I can enjoy this part of my life, until this whole shit is over and I get to breath clean and slow, then I can go through all the decision stuffs.

KARENE!!!! TAKE ME ALONG!!!!!